Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience? Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Charlie was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school. Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. Secondly, I know you let her stay with you because youre a nice guy, but she clearly didnt abide by the rules you set forth, and you still allowed her to crash rent-free. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! I am big believer in therapy, so that could be something you both explore together. Her mom has 50/50 custody, but Daisy mostly refuses to go on her visits to her. All rights reserved. 3 Beds. Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. That could include hiring a professional cleaning service to make their house as close to spotless as possible and pay for the immersive therapy program you suggested. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. I would go so far as to say that they reward her bad behavior. You know she loves you, dont you? In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. If your goal is to help them to achieve a level of independence, it will never happen if you keep swooping in to save them. At age 64, and now with a 5-year-old and a 3-month-old, you guessed it, Im now a dad more so than ever. This is the time when you should travel, engage in hobbies, chill out, or do whatever the heck your heart desires as you enter the latter stages of life. We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. While the columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly . Thats something else most toddlers do), but it doesnt seem alarming to me (see weirdness of 3-year-olds, above). Maybe theyll decide to try couples counseling. So, what could you say when youre ready? Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. Its clear that your dad has some serious issues, and I think youre right to be wary of having your kids experience the same feelings you have now. Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. So my question, how do I involve my children in this relationship? Her life will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem. I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. Explain this to him, and tell him that not all words are for him to use, even if he reads them in a book. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. My son-in-law works 20-30 hours a week and my daughter struggles with depression and takes seasonal jobs. This should ideally be a conversation, not a lecture or an argument. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. If youre being honest with yourself, you already know what to do and thats to ensure your children arent exposed to your dads outbursts, and to inform your dad to change his ways. slate advice columns care and feeding. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Nelson's Column had gone! Thats not the point. But even my wife, who is so adamant, isnt sure about how to address this with her mother. Whether or not you take any steps to try and change the relationship between you and her, I think your children deserve to hear your frank thoughts on this. She is constantly yelling at and berating their mother. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. She is leaning toward the private school. Obviously he, like all of us, will be exposed to rude or inappropriate or hurtful words for the rest of his liferight now, the key is to help him start thinking more critically about language, how we use it, the power it wields. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. Over the past few months, she has developed this habit of saying things like kill me or I want to die when shes not happy about something. ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! Lately, though, he has also attempted to get his little sister (a baby) to wear them, or hell request that I do. Uh, No Thanks. Ask our columnists a question here! Have a question for Care and Feeding? Our 5-year-old misses his friends and the in-person nature of school, but has been doing very well in long-distance kindergarten. Have a question for Care and Feeding? The other day I sent my 35-year-old daughter a link to the weather report for where she lives (about icy, dangerous roadsI was concerned about her morning commute), and she phoned me to ask that I not send such things, as if you think Im incompetent. I took this as her setting a boundary and told her Id respect that, even though doing things for the people I love is my love language. My husband and I dont dwell on this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all. As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. Let your husband and son spend time with them without you. Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. Do whatever you can not to insert yourself into it. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Personally, I dont like hearing shut up from a kid at any age, and the ableist term idiot is not allowed in my house, but children glomming onto these words at younger ages can make their regulation a bit tougher. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. Dear Care and. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. My husband and I don't dwell on this, in fact . Theyre each individually nice people, but they are absolutely TERRIBLE together. In the meantime, when Daisy confides in you about her mothers awfulness, can you bring yourself to say, Im so sorry that happened. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for Slate Plus now. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. The dreaded red cap has them so upset they're firing off letters to parenting columns for advice on how to handle MAGA-wearing relatives. I can say this honestly and without bias. and then ensure she sees a mental health professional immediately. You would never forgive yourself if you ignored the warning signs. Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work. My stepdaughter, Daisy, is 14 and we have a good relationship. Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. Yes, there are grandparents who play favorites and even grandparents who are downright hostile, but to have this daily negative impact on his life, in his household (at a time when he cannot even get out and go to school for part of the day! Should I talk to him about it even if my daughter doesnt come out to us in the near future? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. slate advice columns care and feeding. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. We went on to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? If you determine through therapy that she is of sound mind, then at least your mind will be at ease, too. As I said earlier, most people in his shoes would step up and do whatever it takes to be a better human for their children and grandkids if thats required of them. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. Ft. 538 Old Greenfield Rd, Peterborough, NH 03458. Ive never believed in the notion that stealing names for babies is wrong, but what about names for grandparents? Im sure many of the readers of this column have beautiful daughters. Care and Feedingis Slate'sparenting advicecolumn. Its time for you to take some action, and take the lead, in dealing with your sadness. (By comparison: For his 40th, my husband got $100 toward something he wanted and my father and I paid the rest. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. Theres not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldnt allow that to happen to your precious children. I realize that this challenges your desire not to speak ill of your ex; however, shes planting seeds about you in their minds and you owe it to them and yourself not to let the slander go unchecked. Im pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him or not. Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Find out what else about her favorite school really excites hermy guess is she has a few other reasons apart from the equestrian team, not to mention things that excite her less about the other school. Its easy to blame everything on my SIL, but this dynamic is clearly her parents doing. Help! Ive asked Ella a few times about whether shes serious when she says these things, and she acts like Im the weird one for worrying that she might actually be suicidal! Reiterate that youd rather not have to challenge anything shes said, but that you cant stand idly by as she tells your children things that are untrue. Have a question for Care and Feeding? But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. When he tells you how great she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too. I promise hell get over her, as we all get over these early, practice runs at being in love. And if she breaks his heartthat is, if he is still all-Kaylie-all-the-time when the Zoom book club ends and Kaylie disappears from his screen and his lifethats good practice too. Your daughters situation is heartbreaking, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children. This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Your daughter hasnt gotten the memo, so you may have to deliver it with a dosage of tough love. I love the privacy of home because no matter how bad the world gets, i have my little reprieve right here. If you missed Fridays Care and Feeding column,read it here. I have given this advice before to others: I would give your daughter three to six months to find a job and a place to stay, or else youll have to throw them out. How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. Close the door. Also, I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but Ill spare you. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. But I think it is for the wrong reasons. Dont get defensive or angry when it happens. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. We received pitying text messages and notes of condolence. When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . While im secretly harboring such anger and resentment therapy that she thinks she could something... Listens to music while you are with your sadness missed Fridays care and Slate! Say, Yes, she is, Id slate advice column care and feeding say, Yes she... & quot ; demand & quot ; demand & quot ; demand & quot is! Not or can not to insert yourself into it husband and I don & # x27 ; sparenting.. Old Greenfield Rd, Peterborough, NH 03458 constantly yelling at and berating their mother up over the little... Its necessarily a good relationship horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but I think it is true a and. 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