I would never never hit anyone or had cheated but all this had made her feel scared of me. Everything progressed nicely and I really liked him. It wasnt true i was just panicked and blank minded. Hi Maria, And I realized it too late I realized it when he finished pulling away from me. I have been playing professionally as a musician since I was 15 years old and have devoted SO much of my time and mental energy to improving and pushing forward as a musician. I went there and spent two weeks and on my last day there on the way to the airport someone texted him and I texted them back and they were basically willing to meet up with him it was a girl . Hi Jessica The hardest thing I ever did. I lied to him, in his face, and he couldnt believe I could do that to him. Not that much for me. always remember, for those out there who are in relationships that are struggling, or are working things out, make sure before you say something, you think before you speak, install a filter between your lips and your tongue so to speak, because if you choose to say something hurtful, you can never take it back and the damage caused by what you assume is just a simple word is far more destructive and painful long term. We cannot always show our true colors to the people at work, in the grocery store, or on the subway. I asked him to say something during the day if he remebers me but he didnt. Now that her sexual exploration with this person is over (it only lasted the summer) we are trying to make things work because we have 2 children 3 and 9. Just today, he decided to call a therapist. Ive told him that it will never happen again. Well its almost 3 mos. She thought i was home because me and her have been exchanging emails back and fourth. What I need is for my husband to make the necessary changes and prove he means them rather than begging and pleading with me for me to love him. The more questions you ask, the better because it shows that you are interested in getting to know her and that she is not just another girl for you. i was indifferent to him . This is a wonderful step. Four months after we were married, I realised that he is a secret drinker. I wrote the below last year and never received a response. I cut him down. I mean three months ago. I feel a lot of my bad habits of being stubborn or misunderstanding have gone and I have beem rewarded with my efforts through this tough time by a husband who tells me I look prettier every passing day. They would still have sex but it wasnt meaningful to partner one the way it had been. From this list you can click to view our members full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. she said she is still always there for me and cares about me but i think shes saying that to make me feel better. A week ago we had a fight that turned really messy resulting in him breaking up with me. Every word he says irritates me. I moved to my mothers the next day. I want nothing more than to be with him But like your partner my trust is gone. I was distant, angry, i ignored her i actively pushed her away and made her feel irrelevant for 12 years off and on. I didnt mind at first, but his mom started to tell me that his ex would always be his wife no matter what. He thinks that constitutes me cheating which I have never done nor would ever do to anyone. I cant forgive myself for any of it, no wonder he cannot. How do we both go about getting trust back? Trust is rebuilt, and the deception in our minds that thinks there is fear is unveiled to show the light around us. Know this has been a turn off to him for a long-time.so what should I do? But a crush on someone else doesnt help one bit. Can you stick it out that long? I continue to pray for his healing and I told him that I would be here for him if he needed anything . Sometimes I would just be short over minor issues. I also understand why he wants to spend time with someone else because being around me has been difficult and exhausting for a very long time. I guess he got tired of having to reassure me he was where he wanted to be and that I was who he wanted because without me realizing it I have pushed him away. But that insecurity is in itself very hard to admit, especially for a man in our society. It drives me crazy that I cannot prove absolutely everything to him that Im faithful only to him. Neither could I. My ex and I have been together for pretty much 4 years. I know that she most likely will be happier without me since I caused so much damage to her, but I really want another shot at becoming the only one she loves. He will be coming back to Nigeria in November to see his grandma and to see me for the very first time(as we started dating online). Every time I try to move on I cant and end up talking to him but in the back of my mind I dont know how it will ever work since I have massive walls up due to our past that I feel like are impossible to break down. That is part of what it means to be vulnerable. he is always at her house evryday of the week sometimes when i talk about it he would do better and then go right back into the old ways. What can I do or we do to get through this? But I didnt tell him that. I have self pity, am depressed, am disappointed in myself for being such a horrible person for not loving this amazing man anymore. You can find a therapist or counselor in your area by using our website. I guess I just want her to miss me and for her to realize that she should to be pushing me away. He even referenced your blog postthe part about doing this backwards. You also must stop putting yourself down. Every emotion was real. If she still wont trust you, then you can go to couples counseling to re-build trust. Feelings count! my story sounds very similar to alot of those ive read on the page, i recently felt my husband was different, Weve been married 5 years and together doe 11 years. 1. She was spending most of her free time with her friends instead of with me. It might simply mean that the couple has grown apart and cannot seem to make their way back together again. 5 Manage conflicts. I also dont know if I should contact him. Over the year there have been some good times but also bad times where I panic, start to really worry and spiral into a depression. Lucky for me she was decent and told him sympathetically she didnt want anything to do with dramas and that she hopes it works out for us. You may have chemistry with them, or they may have qualities that you're still attracted to.. I dont know what to do. So I understand you losing respect for him. I made him tell his parents & called the wedding offso therefore we purchased a very nice home in April which we were supposed to be married prior to moving into our home but instead we married in May making the house not marital property. You get a clear, bright, and shiny message of validation of yourself as a person. Ive been with my partner for just a year now. Now I know love is serious but we were serious, even though we havent been together as long as others our relationship blossomed straight away. So a friday he went to see her at the hospital not letting me go with him, he stayed the night in the hospital with her and that saturday made plans for him and i to go out to dinner & movie. Sorry for the separate comments but I keep thinking. 2. 3 years ago when we first began to get to know each other, he hurt me really bad. Ive have recently become aware of how abusive I have been to my gf. My life is complete with him in it. I added a few friends from my childhood one was a male and he lost it then wanted to leave about a week after my brother passed away. I feel even though I am her husband I am the other man in her relationship. Next click where it says visit my website right under my picture. We I thought worked through it and I moved our family there. Sorry to ramble on. She went on Facebook and messaged my girlfriend and told her that we saw each other and had sex, but we didnt. Thank you. I approached him with the way I felt about a situation in a mature way, and now he is pushing me away and saying he needs time alone. Im seriously trying to get my life sorted out but I know that its not going to be a quick fix. Addictions like this start as a way to distract oneself from pain. A big part of therapy, maybe the biggest according to research spanning over 20 years, is the relationship with the therapist. But I am focusing on you because you are the one that asked. How do I know which decision is the one my heart is telling me to go towards, what is the best way to figure out if this relationship is going to be OK? Now, the time has come for you to learn how to take away your loneliness. Hi John I am willing to wait as long as it takes, but it has been over a year and the feelings just arent there for my wife and I think she is starting to worry that they will never come back and wants to quit. I didnt really know what to say at the time but said we can seek out help and offered the support which I always have. I was raised by a single mother and my father abandoned us when I was 6. I broke things off with a woman who claimed she "loved me" after 4 months. Take it from someone whos been around over twice as long as you and have been betrayed more than once. The first among the 15 ideas for a perfect first date is to plan a place where you both will be comfortable When I Dont Answer The Phone He Thinks Im Lying And Doing Something Thats Unfaithful And I Know My Actions Are what caused This, But I Just Hope Im Not Losing Him And If He Still Loves Me The Same OR not. Dr. Deb could you please help me out with my post from Sept 10! Should I be concerned that he seems to loose his mind when he receives sexual attention from women? So much i just wish things were different i cry all the time and he sees it hell ask what wrong i say nothing of course but deep down inside my heart is breaking and it sux! But Im trying and Im fighting for our relationship and it seems to me at this point, that hes not. I felt hed do it all over again. What should I do? She told my wife. Also, he has treated me as more of a worker always reminding me that I have to earn my keep like a stay at home should yet at the same time he comments on how easy I have it. You do not have to go though this. Pretty mean, because I felt hurt and duped and cheated. A year later, she accuses him of being the father of her 3 year old daughter, and I find out that they have been seeing each other for 2 weeks and that he may be the father. We had been together 9 months and things werent always perfect but I was so in love with him. He has now started to get womens phone numbers in bars and at work to prove a point, and that has made things 10xs worse between us. Because your guard remains up (that was number one in this list), your powers of observation are keen, and you can see that something new is on the horizon. When you feel guilty for hurting someone you love, holding in those feelings makes it worse. Any advice on what I should do? I have been with my guy for 3 years now.and I know that he really loves me.or atleast I know he did.but ever since he moved to a different city for college.I have been acting very needy which is unlike me.because I used to act very cool and he used to chase after me.like if he doesnt reply.then 5 out if ten times I call and ask why he hasnt and ugh I know how pathetic that is.I just want to know if you think I can redeem myself still and make him look at me in a new light? I dated this man with the intent of moving on because my partner, then friend, rejected me and told me to move on because he didnt share the same sentiments. So much that your wife has taken full advantage of just how sweet, loving, forgiving and kind you are. Partner two has either called, came over, text or emailed every day since. So heres the thing: Falling in love is great but we dont stay in love for all that long. The things he likes? She swore to me that she wasnt leaving me before we moved. Then at that point you just gotta see if youre compatible with each other. And voila! We were high school sweethearts. Hes not happy about that, but accepting. His parents think that everything was/is & always has been my fault. While Im doing my best to have hope for us repairing the damage I caused, Im lost on what to do when we do talk again. I knew her bc we went to school together. He eventually got a friend to beg on his behalf. But I love him anyways no matter what . In the meantime, I also suggest you get counseling to get help on what it might be in your own personality that has presented an obstacle for your fiance. And that's all how it all really works". The other night was the last straw. I seen a counselor Tuesday and explained how im almost 6months pregnant, ive been with my bf 14months and I feel very little support. I hurt my boyfriend really bad today. But is Love enough? but i loved his nan, like my own, i only ever had one nan till i met my partner. I know I miss our family and though I didnt show it I loved her deeply and wanted to change, I just didnt know how. I cannot understand why I keep doing this. She says shes numb? That is, your partner is so anxious to wish away all the bad in the relationshipwhich is understandablethat he/she may make you feel like he/she is more concerned with what he/she is getting out of it than what you are being offered. The sex stopped, and I cant stand to even have him touch me. That is exactly what happens when youre not THERE. We dated for 2 years and it just ended after she found out I cheated on her a year ago in 2015 while on vacation in Germany. For the past year I have been doing everything I can to be supportive, kind and understanding. I hope Im not discrediting him but that feeling lingers and wont go away. I have been married for 19 years. how do i put my efort into this when he still doing thinbgs that shattered the little trust and respect i had gained?? To be honest with you, its too hard to do alone. The one thing I wish I could change about him is his inability towards insight. It could be that they're already married, or that their parents hate us a la Romeo and Juliet, or it could be because they simply don't feel the same way about us. Being overly negative can sour a relationship with anyone, but is particularly bad for a long-term romantic relationship. Sexual intimacy all but waned & emotional connection had stopped many years prior. So I started chatting with his cousin. Marriage is not for cheats and liars. i have broken it all . A few hours later we left the workshop & came home. One thing I noticed is that you seem to know you are wrong. I told her I will never give up on our marriage and would never consider a divorce. Maybe you can do that for him. My boyfriend of about a year and I both cheated on each other and lied I each other about it. Anyway, my fianc has found messages in my phone between the 2 of us on 2 different occasions within a 6 month timeframe. I hold so much anger for him. We eventually ended up having sex on a regular basis. I had no idea of this, I knew how I had hurt him and reiterated that I didnt expect him to say he loved me. I realize now I pushed him to do some things he did not want to do and did not respect or consider him like I should have. After careful self reflection and evaluation, I cheated because I was ambivalent at the very beginning of our relationship and this is why. Start by what you tell YOURSELF: I am a wonderful person. she quickly deleted her status and called me right away but i didnt answer. My acts were completely of physical nature, due to my own lack of self-respect/confidence and Im the ONLY one at fault here. Says for me to go back to those people I now call a family (my car club) he feels like my decision was about my club and the other issues were just excuses . So I thought maybe hes right. Any suggestions you think we can get back together, what we need to do to feel in love again or gain his love back again is very difficult for me i feel very sad and is hard for me to let go with out trying emotional am not good thinking everyday what i did wrong for this love to disappear just like that am welling to fight back but i feel hes is not trying to put the effort into getting back together he say we should look for counseling, it that will help? Our family. I owe him that much, I owe him happiness..even if it isnt with me. I was vulnerable I wanted to work things out and I almost felt at fault. With my ten year old daughter in the car. He worked construction under a friend. My answer is: Feeling can come back, but the process is backwards from the way it was the first time. Or should I wait that he does it. My partner is my stone. When you get on a plane, they tell you, if youre traveling w a child and the O2 needs to come down, put it on yourself first or you will pass out and then you and the child will lose oxygen. She had a death in the family and i was working at night. What can I do and can you tell me why you think she is trying this and always keeps on bringing up divorce when we have these fights. He fills the void and gives her validation through his compliments. I love. I think you were being very kindly to your husband, to use the friends actions as a pleasant thing for him, a gift. You might be depressed too. We live in another country and I recently had to leave to change our visa status. I could even start seeing my life without him but because I trully love him and because he asked for one last chance, I stay. I asked if he knew she was here? i want to keep the house, he doesnt, its so unfair. Look how youre acting. Take her to the park for some fresh air I think Ive been showing them that Ive changed, but I think he believes Im only acting like this because were not in a relationship. and i cheated on her. Romantic love feels great but it only works welland long termwith the right person. This is possible by reading a book but counseling may be best because (in my opinion) a person who is abusive was also abused and therefore needs HEALING from it himself. I did a lot for her that I cant even mention. She made her share of mistakes like hiding conversations with exes and not wanting to be close in front of exes, but I know at this point that she has always had issues with anxiety and that nothing shady was going on. I am completely broken. If a man cant give you what you need and you have tried to explain it and are kind, fair, understanding, then you need to realize hes not the right one. She didnt call to let me know he was ok and she didnt care to. we talked some more about how she felt because her communication with me is not the best, she likes to keep things inside. Xx, Thank you so much for commenting. He was desperate to have his family and told me everything I ever wanted to hear. You must not put yourself down for doing this. Aiden, this is really the kind of situation therapy is for: You dont know why you argue, you want to control it but you cant, you love her but the arguing continues, etc. He told me I should come see him and we can get that thought out my head so I can see how busy he is, I told him I understand but things you say just dont add up neither does it make sense. Im so lost. I am so hurt by how he is treating me. We have been together since we were 15yrs old and during that time he cheated. I really need help. It seems to me that you have to take care of yourself right now. And I am starting to believe there is really no fixing this, no going back, so much darkness has fallen over me over the last few weeks. She says had no more feelings anymore for me.but at the she time maybe its but does me that she still does have feelings for me. Your partner must prove to you, in every conceivable way, that he or she has changed. I feel the same way. While this article confirmed a lot of what Id felt to be true, it still helped. Since the last two weeks in April my husband has been spending the weekends with his female friend. After that time lapsed, before just walking in on them, I texted him several times (the phone was on the headboard of our bed and the ringer was on) I finally walked in to her, completely naked, going down on him. The hard part is that i see her every day (at work) and some days it feels like Im slipping back into anxiety ridden grief. I thought she was living with friends or her godfather as usual. Could it be that some message in the back of your mind says you are not entitled to happiness? What should I do? I dont know how to carry on without him in my life. I guess she wants to figure out if she even wants this any more. I remind him every day of the good things and good will always overpower the bad.. this is the 1 thing I ever done that was bad for him, now thats a whOle other story. Time passed, I got weak and joined in myself. Because I think my expectations are that it should be happening already, faster than it is. He put his face into her neck & told her that he Really really loves her. Please get therapy to give yourself the tools you need to get out of your bad place. If there is any way you can get him to see a quality therapist, that would be good. I want to save the relationship. It doesnt stay inside. This was before we met though. 5 days passed and no word. Her feelings came back soon after and she moved back in with me, however there were a few situations, not outright physical abuse, but still hurtful things that had happened. Even if there was not another man in the picture I still believe Money or lack there of is not a reason to stay with a man who doesnt love and respect you like he should. Enough time has passed that hatred is not what comes to mind when I think of him. I am crushed. When he got back, we talked some but most of these conversations ended with him being frustrated and me being devastated. He has, without a doubt, helped me grow as a person, and will always be a huge part of my life. If you find yourself arguing often with your partner, you may be in a love-hate relationship. Sex pretends you are close but it leaves out the everyday thingslike staying with your girlfriend when her grandfather died. But I say a good love is one that casts you into the wind, sets you ablaze, makes you burn through the skies and ignite the night like a phoenix; the kind . We are both in our early 20s and I think Im too young to have this kind of stress in my life and so is he. He was on alprazalam (xanex) and nodding out on the couch instead. Hes even thinking about ending everything. Dear Dr. Deb, Copyright 2007 - 2023 GoodTherapy, LLC. After I hurt him too many times, he put up a wall. I will spend my life missing him and in regret. At this point I was still unaware of the abandonment issues. Does the fact that he is also hurt maybe indicate there could be a chance? I have been in this relationship for 8 months. But hundreds of calls to her costing in excess of SAR12,000 unfolded. I really dont think this situation requires something that you can do to fix it. I am in agony. They secretly stayed in contact for a while longer. Meaning dating cuz I hurt her but I didnt go with no one like Ive been told she has.and if thats happened I wont be able. Her so much I cant take another. I tried to find a way to, but Instead I let him continue in order to not make him feel bad for the alcohol induced performance problems And in doing that I disrespected my husbands feelings. "It was," the 36-year-old Sydneysider says now, "a challenging journey through life. Given that theres no communication and all, this is where it gets tough. Ive been drinking a lot and feeling so sad and overall not ok. Is there anyway that the relationship could work again and if so how? Im so afraid that with this separation, he will decide its over. She name them like her baby needs stuff. BUT they also let you have sex w your boyfriend and live a grownup life w/o any responsibilities. Hi Dr Debb She does not want to fix it. 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